You've Got Penguins
by Slut Queen Virgin King
Summary: A response to the 2003 Valentine's Day challenge on WIKTT. Mild r rating. Please r&r.


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YOU'VE GOT PENGUINS.

Entry for the Valentine's Day 2003 fiction challenge on WIKTT. The Youville Basket: takes place in author's home town; author must make an appearance; a local food or dish is served and provokes a reaction; the required item is a cellular phone.

Dear Professor Snape:

Your application to teach at Wilkes School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been accepted. Please find enclosed your start date, and required items to bring with you.

We understand you will be with us for only two terms to fulfil the requirements of the tutoring part of your post-graduate studies, and have assigned you guest quarters instead of permanent staff rooms.

On a side note, Wilkes and its environs can be something of a shock for new staff and students. Thus, it is recommended you speak with someone who has been here before. A list of students and staff currently holidaying in Australia has been enclosed.

We look forward to your stay with us, having heard much about you from Potions Master Nigel Lovelace.

Sincerely yours,

Heket Mawson

(Headmaster, Wilkes)

Dear Madam Granger:

Your name was given to me by Professor Mawson of Wilkes School. It has been suggested that I speak with you about conditions at Wilkes. You may owl me at Hogwarts at your earliest convenience. I note with interest your surname. Are you perhaps related to a Miss Hermione Granger, ex-student of Hogwarts? I know her well, as she was in my Potions classes for seven tedious, drawn-out years.  
Severus Snape

(Potions Master, Hogwarts)

Dear Professor Snape:

Yes, I am familiar with Hermione Granger. Those seven years were the worst of her life, so she tells me.

I shall be in Melbourne for the remainder of the southern hemisphere school holidays. The Vegie Bar, on Brunswick St, Fitzroy should be an adequate meeting place. Please penguin me your reply. They are the bird of choice at Wilkes for message delivery. If you are possession of the Muggle instrument known as a mobile telephone, first of all, welcome to the 21st century, and secondly, my number is 043 666 6969.

I shall endeavour to answer all your questions. And if you are Apparating straight from England, watch out for El Nino.

Madam Granger,

(Arithmancy Mistress, Wilkes)

Dear Miss Granger:

You might have told me you were, in fact, Hermione. It was certainly a surprise to penguin you, then meet you at the Vegie Bar. What a unique place that is. And such interesting staff. Who exactly was that friend of yours who waitresses there? The redheaded one who made eyes at me, spilled my smoothie, and didn't even apologise? Please keep her far from me in future. Her beaded hip scarf became caught in my hair, as you well know(don't think I didn't see you smirking) and caused much amusement to everyone around us before we finally detached from each other.

As you are well aware, our dinner, if it could be called that, was accompanied by several bottles of wine. I have some further questions for you as I am not clear on some fronts. And before I begin, if we meet again, can we possibly go somewhere that serves meat? Lentil burgers sandwiched inbetween layers of tofu(otherwise known as rubber) and sheets of roti bread(tissue paper) do not a meal make.

Questions: If swimming at Hogwarts with the giant squid is passably safe, what is there to fear in the waters around Antarctica? Are the emperor penguins truly carnivorous, as you attest? Is it necessary to defrost the toilets every day before use, or were you making a joke?

On another note, you might also have mentioned that El Nino is a weather condition, not a Spaniard. I watched carefully whilst Apparating, and while not one Spanish male interfered with my trip, I was bothered by hot and cold updrafts. Most unnerving.

A quick response to my questions is appreciated.

Severus Snape

(Defence Against the Dark Arts Substitute Tutor, Wilkes)

Dear Hermione:

While I appreciate your little jokes to their fullest, tiresome extent, and realise you must be excising years of difficult memories of my tutelage at Hogwarts, a trip to the Prince of Wales hotel was not the delightful experience you hoped for me. Why I would delight in eating what is locally referred to as a 'floater' is beyond me. A sad meat pie, surrounded by gravy and tomato sauce, with a watery mash of potato, like sand around the edge of the island, with the top of the pie lifted and a desultory spoonful of peas inserted. Disgusting beyond belief, and yet, strangely satisfying, in the same way as giving someone detention.

And, ha ha, little did I know that the Prince of Wales is a notorious lesbian hang-out. Being shouted at by seventeen Dykes on Bikes does not make for a conducive evening's discussion, especially the large blonde one wearing the tshirt that said 'Dip Me In Honey and Throw Me To The Lesbians'. I am so pleased that you found the evening so amusing. Don't imagine that I didn't see you thanking your friends when they retreated to the bar.

I am reluctant to suggest another meeting, but I have still more questions to ask about Wilkes and the students who attend. I suppose if I am to understand their idiom at all, I must mix again with the locals. I hesitate to ask where we shall meet this time, but circumstances being as they are, I shall do just that.

Severus.

Dear Hermione:

The sheer breadth of your imagination astonishes me, as does the variety and multi-culturalism of Melbourne's environs. Sorrento back beach is breath taking in its ferocity and beauty, but alas, as you must well know, the surfies are magnificent only in their ferocity. The surfing lesson you bought me was interesting, but the surfies had me chundered, as I believe the term is, thirty three times. I have treated myself for sunburn, windburn, jungle rash, and sand in inappropriate spots. And you say some of these surf maggots and surf chicks will attend Wilkes? How utterly wonderful.

You have yet to explain about the killer whales. You say there is an internal diving pool within Wilkes and that the whales sometimes surface there. I assume you were joking when you said "We lose more students that way".

I would ask that you accompany me shopping to ensure I have appropriate clothing for Wilkes, at your earliest convenience. Perhaps you could leave your urges for revenge at home and merely be the pleasant young woman I know you can be?

Severus.

Dear Hermione:

Thankyou for a most pleasant evening. Melbourne does indeed look beautiful from the 35th floor of the Rialto Tower. Little did I know that the best view was from the women's toilets. I doubt I will ever forget the surprise on the face of the elderly lady who entered the bathroom as we were standing there.

I have been doing some exploring of Melbourne on my own. Perhaps you would accompany me to the Botanic Gardens tomorrow afternoon? If this should seem like a 'date', perhaps I should explain that the Gardens contain many useful and magical plants, some of them quite rare, and I am keen to make a start on my Southern Hemisphere studies in Potions.

I just wanted to be very clear about that.

Severus.

Dear Hermione:

I have not received your penguin post. Are you free for a visit to the Botanic Gardens today?

Severus.

Dear Hermione:

The tears were unnecessary, as was summoning that black swan to peck me. I confess that many of our meetings, at my instigation, have not been to hear more about Australian students, or Wilkes, or any such thing. It is your presence that I find so interesting. So if you wish to consider our meetings dates, then by all means please do so.

Our sojourn in the Botanic Gardens was most pleasant. Perhaps next time you might not try to convince me the marajuana plants so cleverly hidden by the Garden staff were actually ferns.

Where would you suggest our next date be, to continue my education in all things under the Southern Cross?

Severus.

Dear Hermione:

If that is the case, then might I suggest we discontinue the penguins, and talk about this in person, at length. I feel conversations about contraception should be done in person.

I believe it is also a day of some significance in the Muggle world. I have seen pink cards and red hearts everywhere to the point of nausea. Whichever day the Muggles are celebrating, I wish you a happy one.

I shall see you at your flat tonight.

Severus.


End file.
